Guilt is a 4 letter word

Every Monday morning I cry. Not for the typical reasons like why on earth do I have to work today? But more like, the intro to Toy Story is playing on the DVD player in my car and I am looking in my rear view mirror at two little souls who look older than they did yesterday at this time. I am overwhelmed with guilt. Why do I have to drop them off? Do they miss me? Do they understand that I love them? Will I regret for the rest of my life that I did not just stay home with them to soak up this time? This week I have asked around, done a few instagram story polls, and dug into where this guilt stems from? Is it only because I am a working mom? Is that it? What I found was no matter if you wear slacks or sweats, drop off your kids or make them 3 meals a day. We feel awful. Where is this coming from?

We feel like garbage for dropping our kids to the babysitter, to feel like garbage about work because we aren’t sold out because we want our kids and around and around we go. Guilt. We are absolute jerks to ourselves. Why? We stretch ourselves so thin. And sure, we can blame societal pressure some, but how much of our own worst enemy are we mama? This week, being able to get feedback from SAHM and working mothers, it became abundantly clear, we all feel this guilt. I have a fear that if I stay home, I am worse for them than our sitter. That somehow me working is better for my kids? Which, hey. Maybe it is? Our sitter is a literal godsent. They are around other kids their age all day and it helps their development. But how unsettling. I think my kids are better off somewhere else but feel awful about leaving them? Feeling so much guilt that I truly believe that my family benefits more from me having a job outside of the house? I have to figure out a way to navigate this.

I have many stay at home mama friends and I know that they experience guilt in their own ways. They wonder just as much as I do, if they are screwing up their children. How are we supposed to know? Man, all I can tell you is I am sick of being my own worst critic here. I have heard so many takes on this topic. Mommy guilt. I think each perspective holds some truth. Mostly because most of them call it like it is. Bullshit. Sorry for the profanity, but there was no way around it this time. Consider that the second 4 letter word we will talk about in this post.

But seriously now- what is our take away? We are damned if we work, we are damned if we stay home. But be a happy mother for your children? Things are not adding up here. We have to be our own life preserver. I am not here to tell you how to make yourself feel less guilty- I think each mother has their own ways to let themselves off the hook. Ways to realize that day in and day out we strive to do the absolute best for our kids. To the mothers who wish they were home full-time but work for insurance, or income, you are working to ensure your children are safe and fed. But we feel like garbage? How did we get here?

To the mother who works because she gives everything to her family and has the audacity to still want to have dreams and goals that DO NOT include her children? LIsten up. You did not die the day you had those children. You do not have to let your goals or wants die either. But we feel awful for having these goals.

My husband and I both our masters. My husband was finishing his up when our first born was 6 months old. Not once would someone dream of saying- “you have a newborn and you spend your saturdays doing homework?” I have a hard time believing that I would get such grace. My husband is steller, do not get me wrong, but when I am out with friends, or take a trip, I hear “Who has the boys?” When I tell them that our children are with their father I hear “Wow, that’s great he does that for you.” Regardless of the fact that we both do that for one another. A bit off track- but my point it, in society, men are encouraged to have career goals. I have not once heard of something called “daddy guilt” have you? Our husbands don’t usually even get paternity leave. They go straight back to work and continue to climb the ladder. “What a great man.” If a women does, she is negligent. Can I get an amen yet? So to the mother who chose to keep working, love your kids hard but it is okay to love yourself hard too. #whoruntheworld

So here is what I think- if you can look at who you are as a parent, and you do the best you can. You have to work to feed them. You have to drop then at the sitter so you can follow your goals to be a better version for them. You have put your own aspirations on the backburner for now to raise and invest in your children. I don’t care what your situation looks like. Is there a way you can better prioritize or change something to get more solid quality time with your family? Do it. If not, LET. IT. GO. Better yet- let yourself go. Let yourself let go of that guilt. Let yourself off the hook. If you are doing the best you can? What else is there to do. So that is my advice. Do not be a jerk to yourself. Love your children. Do your best, and let it go.

PK