It's not fine

My husband and I are an incredible team, in that we make it a priority for both of us to have a life outside of parenthood. We both cover for each other so that one can work out or hang out with their friends. We both do this for one another. I am blessed to have a husband who keeps the kids for entire weekends while I go to Mexico with my family, or to phoenix with the girls. But tonight- I was not fine. It was not fine. If you do not have kids- this might not make sense. And if you have kids, and you are the perfect mother who never gets overwhelmed, sad, or disappointed. 1. I think you are lying 2. If you are not lying- please DM me your secrets. I was not okay.

Both boys were jumping on the couch, not listening, hitting each other, biting each other. It all comes to a head doesn’t it? All of the pressure. All I can think while they jump on the couch, that I have told them 10,000 times not to jump on is that, “I am supposed to be raising gentlemen? How?” They. Do. Not. Listen. To me. Call this venting, call it complaining. But this post will not be ending with, but “golly am I so grateful to be a mommy”. That will hurt some people- for that I apologize. I am beyond blessed to have my kids- I do not take that for granite. But if I use this outlet to lie, and tell you that I did not straight up get on my knees, on that water covered floor during bath time, and cry and pray to God for strength, then I am abusing this privilege.

So yeah. Now one of them is screaming in his crib because he is over tired because it is 8:30 and his

bedtime is 8:00. The other one is sitting on the couch watching a movie and has my iPhone. I do not have it together. I will tell you that at 27 we have chosen not to have more children. I am not naturally good at this. Not at this phase. I am sure to get back lash for this, but real talk- not a baby mom. And that is okay. I

will rock the pants off their pre-teen years and sports years. I am not wishing this period away, but let’s be honest moms. This is so damn hard. So so so damn hard.

I have not called my husband to come home to help because tonight was just a little too heavy. No. He works hard just like I do and deserves the time to go play basketball. But tonight. Tonight is not okay. I will look back and this time will have flown by. I am grateful for my children. But tonight. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am annoyed. I am aloud to feel this way.

I strive for perspective and positivity- but more than anything, authenticity matters to me. So guess what mama- you are not the only one wondering if you are screwing up your kids. If they even like you. If you are scarring them when they see you cry when they misbehave. This is a battlefield

. I just know- somehow. It has to be worth it. This has to add up somehow. The redirecting, the teaching, the baths, the diapers, the bedtime stories, the laundry, the dinners, picking toys up for the 6,000 time. Someone tell me it does please. Today- I feel defeated. No it is not pretty. You probably have stopped reading by now. But if not- know you are not alone. This ish is hard. It is hard. It’s not fine. And that is fine.

PK