Taming the to-do list

In today's world, we are taught that in order to gain value, or to track progress, tasks need to be accomplished and to do lists need to be completed. We very rarely hear someone being praised for practicing the absence of a to-do list, or for choosing to be present over productive. . Unfortunately, since we are programmed with a task oriented mind set early on in life, we function this way into our motherhood. We are constantly striving for better. Better for ourselves, better for our kids, better for our future. We are ran by a to-do list. Whether you are a full-time stay at home mom, or a working mom like I am currently, we have this on going running tab in our minds. Seems harmless in the name of productivity right? I thought so until very recently.

I was sitting at the top of my staircase, with my two boys, just a little before bedtime, watching Toy Story. The house was still, they were not fighting, I wasn’t holding the fact that I needed to pee. This was truly a moment to be still in. To take in, to be grateful for. The urge came to me. “I need to change over the  laundry. Ugh, the dishes need to be done. Oh, you know what I need to do, I need to get that ointment for E’s dry skin.” I pushed it away. I looked at my boys and felt so grateful for that peaceful moment. Not an entire minute passes. “Shoot! Tomorrow is garbage day, I have to go put the can out on the curb, oh, and I need to make sure that E’s back pack is ready for the morning, and the diaper bag is ready for Z.” I was pulled out of this moment once again. It took me several attempts to truly be present with them, my children. That stillness. That innocence. Why am I wired this way? Why was it so hard to just love my children, to enjoy my children? In this moment, It was not that I would enjoy taking out the trash more than holding my boys. No.  But how I have been living, and how I let myself operate has robbed me from actually enjoying my kids. Anyone else feel me?

I am constantly battling the fearful and sad truth of how quickly they are growing, and how soon they will no longer be toddlers, I take hundreds of photos, clinging to their childhood, like somehow if I have the pictures, that will suffice later in life for what I missed out on while trying to complete tasks that will never truly be completed. The trash will always fill back up and need to be taken out.  I am missing out on their lives, the small moments in between diaper changes and bath time. The moments where Eli shows Zander affection without being asked. The moments where Zander learns to build with blocks for the first time. The moments when Z brings tigger to Eli, just because, or when Eli looks to me to see if I am impressed when he can hold his breath underwater. I am missing out on these things because I am worried about whether or not our laundry is put away and if my house is in perfect order, just to be destroyed once again tomorrow? Why? The dishes will always be there, but the moments I sacrifice in the name of efficiency will not be.  

I struggle with mommy guilt. I said it. I know it is total bull and a lie- but I struggle. I currently work until 6pm, every week day. My sons are in bed by 8pm. That give me two hours with them at night. Two hours. I hate it. I struggle with guilt like crazy. When I focus on cleaning the house, or being productive during these two precious hours I get with my children, sure I feel great at the time. I think,  “Wow, look at how productive I am for my family, gold star for me. Look society! I am a super mom.” Wow. At what cost? Anyway- When I do not spend my time with them intentionally, this guilt rears its ugly head on another level. Since I have been striving to be more intentional and be off my phone (this is a big one) and not be cleaning while I could be playing, the boys are happier, and I am happier. The guilt slips away. Yes I am gone more than I want to be- yes I work later than I want to, but those hours I have with my kids, those are sacred. Downy and Tide can wait, my children take priority.

I am a task oriented person, it is one of my strengths. But Mama, air on the side of caution, do not lose your children in the white noise, or between the cracks of your to do list. Laundry can wait- sit with them a little longer. Because when you do, you get the moments where they reach out for your hand, unprompted. When they kiss your arm, or bring you the ball to play with them. It is easier said than done, and I am learning everyday, but I would rather tame my to do list, than miss out on my toddlers.